Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.  

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin. 

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought:  “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark? I Noah guy. 

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay. 

Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.  

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.  

Thou sodden-witted lord; thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.
Thersites to Ajax in “Troilus and Cressida”

Away, you three-inch fool! 
Curtis to Grumio in “The Taming of the Shrew”

I do desire we may be better strangers. 
Orlando to Jaques in “As You Like It”

There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune. 
Falstaff to Mistress Quickly in “Henry IV”

Villain, I have done thy mother. 
Aaron to Chiron and Demetrius in “Titus Andronicus”

Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon! 
Timon to Apemantus in “Timon of Athens”

Either thou art most ignorant by age, or thou wert born a fool. 
Leontes to Antigonus in “The Winter’s Tale”

More of your conversation would infect my brain, being the herdsmen of the beastly plebeians: I will be bold to take my leave of you. 
Menenius to Brutus and Sicinius in “Coriolanus”

What, you are as a candle, the better part burnt out. 
Chief Justice to Falstaff in “Henry IV”

He’s a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality. 
A French nobleman about Parolles in “All’s Well That Ends Well”

I am sick when I do look on thee. 
Demetrius to Helena in “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”

An Airbus 380 is on its way to cross the Atlantic. It is flying stably at 800 km/h and 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Rafale approaches it at Mach 2 (therefore, 3 times faster).

The fighter jet pilot slowed down, flew alongside the Airbus, and radioed the airliner pilot:

“Bus flight, boring flight, isn’t it? Fasten your seatbelt and take a look over here!”

He performs a barrel roll, accelerates, breaks the sound barrier, climbs steeply to a dizzying height, then dives to sea level in a breathtaking spin. He returns to the Airbus and asks:

– “Well, how was it?!?”

The Airbus pilot replies:

“Very impressive, but now look over here!”

The jet pilot looks at the Airbus, but nothing happens. He continues to fly stubbornly in a straight line, at a constant speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot makes a radio call:

– “Well, what do you think?”

The jet pilot asks, confused:

– “What have you done?

The other pilot laughed and said:

“I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the aircraft to use the restroom, had a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”

Here’s the moral of the story:

When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seem like the best things in life. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace become just as important.

An Old Golfer was hitting his ball from near a water hazard and his club fell into the water.

 When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying ?”

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water and he needed the club to have a chance to win the tournament and supplement his meager pension.

 The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.

 “Is this your club ?” the Lord asked.

 The golfer replied, “No.”

 The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club.

 “Is this your club ?” the Lord asked.

 Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

 The Lord went down again and came up with an old iron club.

“Is this your club ?”the Lord asked.

 The golfer replied, “Yes, that’s it !”

 The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer won his tournament and went home happy.

 Sometime later, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the lake.

 When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying ?”

 “Oh, Lord, my woman has fallen into the water !”

 The Lord went into the water and reappeared with Kate Upton.  “Is this your woman ?” the Lord asked.

 “Yes,” cried the golfer.

 The Lord was furious. “You lied ! That is an untruth !”

 The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘No’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘No’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘Yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve… so that’s why I said ‘Yes’ to Kate Upton.

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:

If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason and only out of consideration for others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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